The Top 30 Most Annoying Things About Porn

he Mirror has published a poll of 2000 Brits, revealing a list of the 100 most annoying things.

James Blunt came in at number 4, well ahead of stepping in dog poo.

Inspired by such a tetchy, “grumpy old women” list, I thought I’d do something similar. Thus, here it is, the 30 most annoying things about porn - as voted by me… and a couple of other people:

1. Very few female orgasms
2. The “official sex formula” of blowjob, pussy licking (if you’re lucky) 3.5 positions then a facial cumshot, every single time.
3. Fake boobs
4. Sex scenes that just keep going, and going… and going
5. Women leaving their shoes on during sex
6. The camera always focusing on the woman so you can’t see the guy if he’s hot
7. Repeating the same loop of footage to pad out the scene
8. Men looking haughty and bored when they’re getting a blowjob
9. The “reality” trend of supposedly tricking a girl into sex to prove she’s just a stupid slut
10. Repetitive music
11. The idea that a title equals a plot (thanks to Sam Sugar for that)
12. Those ridiculous nails on the “lesbians”
13. Bad spelling on boxcovers
14. Endless, repetitive moaning on the woman’s part (”Nnnnyeah, nnnnyeah…”), especially if she keeps building to a crescendo… and then goes back to the beginning again, but never actually comes
15. That whole “tongue jousting” thing… Just kiss already!
16. Dodgy camerawork
17. Boxcovers not reflecting what’s in the movie
18. “Lesbians” supposedly having sex without once touching each other’s clit
19. Badly dubbed moans and sighs
20. Male porn stars looking like they’re reciting baseball scores in their head
21. James Blunt… just thought I’d throw that one in
21a. Guys keeping deadly silent throughout the entire sex act
22. Extra fake “popshots” where the guy has to masturbate for some time and the girl kneels in front of him and smiles like she’s having her photo taken
23. Slapping the clit, either with a dick or a hand. For goodness sake, rub or lick it!
24. Excessive makeup. Enough with the radioactive blue eyeshadow!
25. Starlets ecstatically sucking their finger like it’s a dick
26. Bad cunnilingus, like when a guy decides he’s going to use his tongue as a dick and “fuck” her vagina. Again… just lick her clit!
27. Creepy looking male stars
28. Gag-inducing extreme porn - ass-to-mouth, vomiting, felching… I mean, it’s just not very nice, is it?
29. Too much or not enough plot
30. “Straight porn” means the audience is straight men who want to look at naked women and “gay porn” means the audience is gay men who want to look at men